2 Years

When I was a child I would often sit and read my mothers scrap book of my brother Daniel, who passed away when he was 21 months old.  She had filled the pages with poems and thoughts.  Documented his short life here.  She also took a few pages and told the story of the day that Danny died.  Every detail, from the last thing he said to the last sound of his foot steps headed out the back door.  She shared her feelings of panic when she could not find him, the pain that she felt as she combed the ditch looking for him, digging through the ice cold water with branches and debris scraping her bare legs and arms.  Every thought, every emotion, every tear.  I would sit on the stairs next to the book shelf and read the pages with tears streaming down my face, just as they are now.  And I would always feel the most pain when I would read her thoughts as she left the hospital, leaving her boy behind, and stepped out into the sun where the world was still going forward, nothing stopped.  The sun shining, the birds singing, the flowers blossoming.

As I awoke from a seemingly sleepless night 2 years ago I rolled and looked out my window, overlooking Utah Lake, with Mt Timpanogos in the back ground.  The sun shining, the birds singing.  And it dawned on me, the world goes on... how, without her, I would never understand, but it just goes on.  I am not sure when mom journaled the events of the day Danny died, the memory of the moments your life changes do not fade fast.  Someday I will journal my memories of the day my Mama died.  That is not today.

As time has passed I have a hard time when I run into old friends, friends that were notified when mom passed away and they mindlessly ask, "How is your Mom?"  It is those moments that kill me, they take the hole that I think I have figured out how to live with and they tear it wide open.  There is more pain thinking that no one else misses her.  No one else wishes they could call her for advice or just an I love you multiple times a day.  Then there are days like today, bad days... when good things happen. When my 4 year old achieves something great at school and receives her Blending Badge, and my 6 year old writes me a love note not even knowing what today commemorates, and my 7 year old chants, out of no where, at the dinner table "Mom Rocks" bringing instant laughter and joy to my home... life going on, moving foward.  And the most healing part of today was when a dear friend called tonight to tell me that she remembers, she loves me, and its ok if I just want to cry with her for a while... she has all night.
It is amazing to me that it has been 2 years, it seems like the blink of an eye.  There are moments that it hurts like it has been the blink of an eye.  And others that feel like it has been 2 years of healing, that maybe there is hope for me yet, that I can exist as an orphan, that I can figure out motherhood without a guide, that my spiritual foundation can support me, after leaning on hers for so long.

God hath not promised Skies always blue,

Flower-strewn pathways All our lives through.

God hath not promised Sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow Peace without pain.

God hath not promised We shall not know,

Toil and temptation Trouble and woe.

He hath not told us We shall not bear,

Many a burden Many a care.

But God hath promised Strength for the day,

Rest for the laborer, Light for the way.

Grace for the trials, Help from above,

Unfailing sympathy, Undying love.

~Ann Herrera

It is through these thoughts of hers that I can find some guideance.  She always had a way of putting things in perspective.  And this trial of losing her at such a young age will be but a moment, if I can but endure and return to spend Eternity with her.  So it is, 2 years and counting.  I can only hope the rest go as quickly as the past, but not too quickly that I miss the moments that make even the bad days great. 
Love you Forever Mama. xoxo